urban glitz

The shit hit the fan
...written on January 14, 2005, @ 19:34

an emotional meltdown that was a long time in coming

I went to sleep pretty early last night, around 11PM. I studied for my vocab test and did all my work except for a page of my english worksheet.

At around 4:30 this morning I'm awaken to the sound of mom knocking on her bedroom door saying, "Bert, let me in." The desperation in her voice made me think of those other times that I heard it and all I could think of was, "Please not now I'm not strong enough to deal with that again." I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep.

I got up and did my usual and I listened to Maroon 5 while I got dressed this morning and when I walked into the garage I realized that mom didn't have to go to work today. I was irriatated that she didn't offer to take me to school because it was aroud 12 degrees with the wind chill. Oh well, the bus wasn't late today.

I had to help Jessica with her math, yeah that's kind of funny considering that SHE'S the math genius. I talked to Linda and I told her Wes moved and she couldn't believe it. We played and again we only go through the german march. I still have a strong dislike for those who sit behind me too, they don't understand anything about their part, actually I don't think a few of them are playing.

Because I had finished my page of homework everyone wanted me to help them (give them the answers) and I don't like when people just want to copy it because they didn't do their work. It's so annoying, I didn't even let Wes do that! I missed three and I was happy and we just talked the last 20 minutes of class. Zach thought my case was a box, how weird? He wanted me to put my clarinet together and play, um yeah right.

History was ok, we took a test and I finished my english. All I have to do is around 14 questions for section 4 and I'm done. I like history because I can knock out a worksheet in class time, but if not I know that the answers I write down are right. Psycology was good because we watched A Beautiful Mind, I like that movie. I talked to Addison today, he's a really nice guy, but he doesn't talk much. I don't like it when people don't talk much it kind of makes me nervous.

Lunch was, quiet for me and Jamee. I realized now that it was mostly me and Wes that talked so now I have to get Jamee to talk talk talk. Oh well I missed second lunch and soon me and Jamee will go "off campus" for lunch when I get a car.

Of course English was fun. Only my asian eye candy wasn't there. I think he was doing something for "dragon dance"? Whatever, I missed one on my vocab and I was happy because that's an A. I'm desperately trying to make A's this semesters. (Not like I wasn't last semester, but marching got in the way) Mrs. Crook read some passages out of the book and she did the voices so well.

We didn't get our tests back in math, but we did learn how to do something else with sinx and cosx. This time it's easy and I'm glad because now I won't have to ask Jessica, "Is this right?" Becuase I won't be able to do that next year in calculus. We made fun of Will's shirt because the sleeves were cut to his waist and it was like he wasn't wearing a shirt - he didn't look bad, he's a football player - but it's like, what's with the cloth?

I got home and mom and dad are home and the trash can is still on the curb, why? Seriously they always say, "Y'all never do anything around the house." But they can't pull in the fucking trash can? Lazy ass biotches and they got Panera Bread! They really suck. When I got on the computer I read a note that Ricky left me then I saw he was on so I responed to it and we talked a little bit and I brought up the whole "chica" and "babe" thing and (becasue I'm going to elaborate on it later) he ends up telling me to delete his screen name from my buddylist.

I decide to go play to help calm me and then Erika comes home and just walks into my room and is like, "I got a red card." Ok a red card is something you get for passing the EOI (end of instruction test), a gold card is for 3.5 or higher GPA and no absences and a silver card is if you have more than two absences or lower than a 3.5 GPA. Well I tell Erika, "Yeah, it wasn't that hard to get one, all you had to do was pass the EOI." And it wasn't hard.

Well my parents left somewhere and Erika was all in her room listening to music and talking to her friends. I watched tv and played my clarinet off and on. My parents get home and before they leave to wherever dad comes in my room and says that he needs my bank statement and that I have $2963 in the bank as of now. Ok? And Erika was in the shower then she decided to take a bath for some odd reason. So she's been in there for like an hour and her little friend called and I didn't pick up, but she calls back again and I pick up on the third ring and she's yelling in my fucking ear. I just wanted to beat the shit out of her.

Well as I said previously Ricky told me to delete his screen name off my buddy list because he said he was "tired of this" and what happened was I brought up the whole "chica" "babe" thing and he goes off to say that he doesn't want to change for anyone. And I understand that he doesn't want to, I wasn't asking him to change his hair color or his style of clothes, simply to not call me those names. Truth be told it made me feel a little uncomfortable and once I told him that I didn't understand why he kept saying that he didn't want to change for anyone he just blurted out that I should "do him a favor" and delete his name of my buddy list. I don't hate him, not in the least it's just hard for me to understand why he kept thinking I was changing him. He said that he wasn't bitching about what he didn't like of what I've said in the past, if he would've asked me to stop calling him a loser I would've stopped (I don't call him that). After this happened I had an emotional meltdown in my room. I realized that if Wes was here none of this with Ricky would've happened. I just sat on my floor and cried and cried asking, "Why?" Why did he have to leave? I've been so stressed, my best friend moved and I haven't really grieved for it properly, everytime I hear my parents raise their voice or I hear that desperation in mom's voice I remember those times when my life came so close to falling apart so I walk on eggshells at my home and I have no one to really talk to about things. I talk to Maile, yes but she has her own problems. So in all I've ruined a friendship by pushing an issue, I guess Ricky was right, he didn't care about anyone because friends come and go...But to me, everytime I lose a friend it's like a piece of me has died.

I think that Erika is going somewhere with Maggie tonight so I'll be alone for the most part tonight, thank god. I just want to curl up and watch a good movie. I have a few assignments that I must attend to before I go back to school tuesday (we're off for Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthday).

I talked to Sally yesterday and she's planning on telling Benny that she likes him and I'm so proud of her. She's a great girl and he seems like a great guy so I hope something amounts from this. GOOD LUCK!

I've lost another friend, how many more must I lose this year?
Theresa

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