urban glitz

Bust
...written on January 16, 2005, @ 21:09

I thought I was a really good friend...

Seeing as what happened between me and Ricky is starting to make me doubt myself. Maybe it was just that one time that things went wrong, but if someone calls you a "close friend" and then starts telling you that they don't want to "deal with your shit" then it makes you wonder if any of your other "friends" are thinking the same thing. I've always thought that, I always thought that Wes was just my friend because he wanted the hook up with Christina, and now that this has happened it's become real. Right now I feel like if I talk to anyone I'll fuck up our friendship.

I talked to grandma a few days ago and she told me some things that I didn't know. She told me that when my dad wanted to leave mom that all mom could think about was not being able to see me. She says that I'm more of a daughter to her than Erika is. She's more of a mom to me than my real mom, she was there for me since I was four and has never stopped being there for me. Then grandma told me that Erika had told dad, "You're not my father." I swore a long time ago that if I ever heard her say that I would slap her (I didn't care who was around). How can she say that when her own dad walked out on her? How could she say that when dad helped with her Quinze? I cannot believe her, I can't even look at her without being disgusted. My family is falling apart and I really think it's all Erika's fault. Let her move out, I don't care.

Friday night I took sleeping pills because I wanted a good sleep and I woke up at 11:45AM and went to look in the bathroom mirror, my eyes looked like alien eyes. I guess it was a mixture of sleepiness and crying that made my eyes puffy, my right eye stayed like that until around 6PM. Not like I was going anywhere.

I still haven't gotten a car, but because I have my mom and grandma reminding my dad for me I'm confident that I'll get one soon. The only reason I want one so bad is it's getting really cold around here, wind chills are in the low teens, and I don't want to wait at the bus stop when it's that cold.

Yeah so I'm ending my "read everyone you know's diary" thing. Nothing good can really come of it, it makes me feel like I'm missing out on stuff. I don't IM people anymore, as a matter of fact I don't even leave away messages up anymore. Sad how this one thing can destroy a person's confidence. Brandi actually left me a message and it made me happy. She's a great friend I'm lucky to be friends with her, but it just sucks that we don't have any classes together, but I'm holding out hope that we will next year.

My little meltdown from the other day was...eye-opening. I realized that no matter how hard I try to sugar coat it, I miss Wes and no one can ever fill his place as my best friend. As much as I want to tell myself my junior year will never be as filled as it would be if Wes was in it, even if I did all things that I wanted to do. One day soon I'll call Wes and things will be better, not normal, but not bad.

Right now one of Steven's friends is IMing me. She says that she's a girl but her name is Cody Christopher. BUSTED He's actually a he. I like talking to random people, Isac for one and they're great people because they no that you can't judge over the internet so they're themself and you get to see the real person. I like that.

I was debating if I should lock this thing or not, no one reads this thing and those that do it seems to cause problems. I'm torn. Maybe I should, but then some people like Christina read it to find out what's going on in my life. I don't know. Why can't I be a normal loved kid? DAMN YOU CRUEL WORLD!!

Tomorrow I have no school so I must read Huck Finn and finish my math (that I forgot how to do) and clean the bathroom that Erika so gladly dirtied up. It's going to be a busy day...I can't wait.

Theresa

urban | glitz