urban glitz

Frustrated/confused/blah blah blah
...written on February 06, 2005, @ 18:17

I don't know what to think anymore

Yeah this weekend has been really sucky. I've stayed in my room almost the entire weekend because everytime I see my family I just feel this rush of anger.

My grandma called me and was talking to me about my house situation. It always makes me cry because I know I'm hurting her, but I can't help it. I cannot change into the "perfect daughther" over night. I can't just say, "Hey dad let's talk." I've tried to do that, but it's so freaking weird. Me and my dad don't talk and if we do it's not about anything important. I was frustrated that my grandma wanted me to step up and tell my dad how I was feeling. Can't he tell when I'm pissed off? If Wes can then he should be able too. My grandma told me that dad thought I was made at him for the car, no I'm mad because I got NOTHING for my 16 birthday. I relive that everytime I see commercials for that new show on MTV "My super sweet 16" and all those girls on their get cars. But yeah I heard that I'm getting one that's around $10,000. I should be happy, but I'm not so sure if I will be.

After I got off the phone with grandma dad busted into my room and I knew I should've told him that he makes me feel like I'm the most unimportant person in the world, but I didn't. I did my usual, "No." I kick myself for just being the same all the time, but how do I tell him that he's not a good parent? The last time I said, "I don't care." he cried. I just really hate it here because I walk on eggshells all the time. I went to sleep after that. I think that's my new drug, sleeping. I didn't feel better when I woke up, but at least dad and Jane weren't home.

Everyday I have to hear the phone ring all the time. Erika's little friends are always calling. It's so freaking annoying because it's 4:30 in the morning and I'm SLEEPING! When Erika leaves the phone rings, but I just let it ring and don't answer it. There is no law stating that I have to pick it up. Grandma called me back and told me that their will most likely be a reunion this year. She told me that Erika and Maggie aren't friends anymore. Hm, did I not say that they wouldn't be friends for long? I should go look back in my entires and see where I wrote that, I think Wes was still here. My grandma was like, "Wes needs to move back because I can't stand you being so sad." Yeah I miss Wes, but that's not it. I'm just so emotional tired and confused with my so called "family".

My mom called me this morning and I talked to her for about an hour. Me and my mom are kind of close. I found out that her neighbor is starting shit again. I swear if I was there and she said some shit to me I would call her out on it. She's a bad person, she lets her kids run around half dressed and unsupervised and she's bankrupt. Ash and Gary are talking on a regular basis. On account of her mom, Ash and Ben might break up. I feel so bad because Ben has been really good to her. She really needs to move down to Illinois because I know for a fact that Ben would be able to visit. Hopefully she'll move down there soon. My mom told me that dad had my car narrowed down to three models. She was irritated that I had no say in what car I got. Frankly I could give a shit what exactly it is, as long as it's mine and I don't have to take Erika everywhere in it I'm fine.

I was in my room all day today. I haven't even eaten anything today because I don't want to see anyone's face. I actually came in here so I could get a definition of a word, but I ended up typing in here. Maybe I'm being childish, but I can't help it. Why should I try to talk to my "parents" if they won't really do anything about what I say? Grandma said something about Erika and I being friends. Yeah right, she was the first one to give me up about the fake report cards and she even helped! She was the one saying that Ricky and I fucked each other, then turned around and cried to Jane about me spreading rumors that I said she was cheating on Luis. She was, but I didn't spread shit, I told one person. One of these days something really bad is going to happen to her and I won't be there to help because all she's done is shit on me. I wish she would try to get me to take her over someone house if/when I get a car. HA, I'm going to be busy doing my own thing.

I'm a little confused by Ricky's message he left me. It came way out of left field. I haven't talked to him in since like December? I think he's in Texas on emergency leave. Not sure, but I hope that he's doing ok and that all of his family is holding up. I know how it is to lose a family memeber. It just happened to me this past fall and the anniversary of my grandpa's death is always a little tough for some of us.

The game is on and I need to find this word so I'm going to end this now. I have nothing semi-intelligent to say.

Wanting you so badly, but desperatly trying to break free of that feeling.

Theresa

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